1. Is it ok to talk to strangers in London?
A: No (unless you want to know what time it is or ask for directions, but ALWAYS try to find out by yourself first!)
2. Where do I go if I want to meet new people of the opposite sex in London?
A: Online. -
3. Does everyone read on the Tube?
A: No, but everyone pretends to read, and so should you for the well-being of your fellow passengers.
4. How many people can you fit in a tube carriage?
A: No limit has been reached yet.
5. What’s the best pedestrian strategy crossing the street at a light?
A: Nevermind whether it's red or green, simply follow the crowd and pray.
6. How do I know which travel card I should purchase if I’m new in the city?
A: You don’t.
7. What language is spoken in London?
A: Pretty much every language but English.
8. How do I get a job in London?
A: You make friends who work in recruitment.
9. How do I make new friends in London?
A: No one knows. It hasn’t been done so far.
10. How do I know when I’ve become a real Londoner?
A: When you haven’t been to Oxford Street in over a year.
11. How do I know where it’s legal to park my car?
A: This knowledge can be learned only through Pavlovian conditioning. If you get a ticket, then you’re parked in the wrong place. Trial and error. Eventually you’ll learn.
12. Is it legal to drink alcoholic beverages in London parks?
A: Yes, as long as you’re white and have a somewhat recent haircut.
13. How do I greet my female friends in London?
A: You put your cheek against theirs, and kiss in the air. Then you switch cheek and repeat the procedure.
14. Where can I get the finest fish and chips?
A: In Bristol.
15. Are there any nice parks in London where my girl and I can have a cozy picnic?
A: Yes, as long as you don’t mind constantly being bothered by transients and huge disease-spreading birds.
16. Why are there no trash bins in London?
A: To keep riff raff employed with street sweeping.
17. Where can I get the best hamburgers in London?
A: McDonalds.
18. Is prostitution legal in London?
A: Yes, as long as you pay in drinks and the transaction takes place in a nightclub.
19. What do I need in order to apply for a job in London?
A: An EU citizenship and a bank account.
20. What do I need in order to open a bank account in London?
A: An EU citizenship and a job.
21. What pisses a Londoner off more than anything?
A: Having to wait a whole three (3) minutes for a train.
22. How can you tell that someone’s not from London?
A: He or she acknowledges homeless people.
23. What do you say if you accidently bump into someone on the street in London?
A: …
24. Is it legal to bring alcoholic beverages, which have been purchased in a pub, out on the street?
A: No, unless you’re going out for a fag, then it’s totally legal.
25. Is London the greatest city in the world?
A: Hell yeah!!!
A: No (unless you want to know what time it is or ask for directions, but ALWAYS try to find out by yourself first!)
2. Where do I go if I want to meet new people of the opposite sex in London?
A: Online. -
3. Does everyone read on the Tube?
A: No, but everyone pretends to read, and so should you for the well-being of your fellow passengers.
4. How many people can you fit in a tube carriage?
A: No limit has been reached yet.
5. What’s the best pedestrian strategy crossing the street at a light?
A: Nevermind whether it's red or green, simply follow the crowd and pray.
6. How do I know which travel card I should purchase if I’m new in the city?
A: You don’t.
7. What language is spoken in London?
A: Pretty much every language but English.
8. How do I get a job in London?
A: You make friends who work in recruitment.
9. How do I make new friends in London?
A: No one knows. It hasn’t been done so far.
10. How do I know when I’ve become a real Londoner?
A: When you haven’t been to Oxford Street in over a year.
11. How do I know where it’s legal to park my car?
A: This knowledge can be learned only through Pavlovian conditioning. If you get a ticket, then you’re parked in the wrong place. Trial and error. Eventually you’ll learn.
12. Is it legal to drink alcoholic beverages in London parks?
A: Yes, as long as you’re white and have a somewhat recent haircut.
13. How do I greet my female friends in London?
A: You put your cheek against theirs, and kiss in the air. Then you switch cheek and repeat the procedure.
14. Where can I get the finest fish and chips?
A: In Bristol.
15. Are there any nice parks in London where my girl and I can have a cozy picnic?
A: Yes, as long as you don’t mind constantly being bothered by transients and huge disease-spreading birds.
16. Why are there no trash bins in London?
A: To keep riff raff employed with street sweeping.
17. Where can I get the best hamburgers in London?
A: McDonalds.
18. Is prostitution legal in London?
A: Yes, as long as you pay in drinks and the transaction takes place in a nightclub.
19. What do I need in order to apply for a job in London?
A: An EU citizenship and a bank account.
20. What do I need in order to open a bank account in London?
A: An EU citizenship and a job.
21. What pisses a Londoner off more than anything?
A: Having to wait a whole three (3) minutes for a train.
22. How can you tell that someone’s not from London?
A: He or she acknowledges homeless people.
23. What do you say if you accidently bump into someone on the street in London?
A: …
24. Is it legal to bring alcoholic beverages, which have been purchased in a pub, out on the street?
A: No, unless you’re going out for a fag, then it’s totally legal.
25. Is London the greatest city in the world?
A: Hell yeah!!!
